I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
