Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
