I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
