Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
