i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
