dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
