She is in my trunk
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
