Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
