i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
