My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
