I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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