By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
