he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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