ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
