Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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