I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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