Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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