Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
