foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
