Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So vagazzling was a success
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
