i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
