Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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