I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
