i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
