Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
