so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
