guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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