Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
