i love accidental penises.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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