So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
