I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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