My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
