Only a mothe r could love this liver
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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