I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
