I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
