Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
