Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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