she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
