I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
