I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
