sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
how does that bad decision feel?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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