Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
