one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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