I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
