the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
