He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
