god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he fucked my hip out of place.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
