why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
