Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
