I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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