My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
