This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
third nipple confirmed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
